So I Did
by Sombereyes
Summary: Sometimes, things go horribly awry, but, that doesn't mean that all is lost. Sometimes, they turn out for the better. -Implied triad pairing containing Natsuki, Mai, and Shizuru.- Really more of a hard T than an M.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey all. I have a new computer, well…a crap-top…you know the kind. The really small ones that don't do much, that's the kind I have. I wanted to test it out, so I figured why not do a little one shot…warning, this is an implied triad pairing between Natsuki, Mai, and Shizuru...

The focus is Mai and Shizuru.

Theme: So I did…

For all of you who don't know, "So I did…" is actually a game that's kind of like "Never have I ever…" the difference is, you start by saying a simple thing, such as: "I wanted to kiss a girl…" And then follow it with "So, I did…" those who have done it take a drink, those who haven't don't.

Since I didn't really want to write about the characters playing this game, I took my writing theme in a different direction. The writing group had a ballast with this… it was a timed project, at an hour tops, so I did what I could in that time. This is just a test to see how well this computer could handle me so to speak, and now that I have it instead of only the desktop, my WIP's can be addressed much more quickly.

I really like the idea that I had for this, so there is a good chance I will revisit this fiction later with another chapter or two to flesh out this obscure relationship. It'll stand as a one shot for now.

Anyway, don't like, don't read…

I don't own Mai HiME.

* * *

**So I Did**

-This is not how I intended to wake up. Now that I have, I realize I may have had far too much to drink…or perhaps not nearly enough. I think I'll assume the latter, but, even if it is the former, it doesn't explain the fact that I'm in the dormitory with Mai sleeping soundly next to me. It doesn't tell of why Natsuki's also in the same vicinity, equally disrobed. I've got to backtrack, there simply must be a logical explanation.

The last thing I recall seems to be…liquor, singing, and costumes…karaoke?

I was at the club last night. Probably somewhere between my second glass of wine and a bucket full of worry. Feeling parched, I remember ordering another, if only so that I looked like I was having a good time…that answers the pounding in my head.

Drinks tend to flow freely at the parties that Mai hosts in the nearest karaoke bar. I figured, if I wasn't drinking, everyone else would catch on. Midori normally insists on it anyway. Truth be told, most of us indulge, or at least turn the other cheek for the sake of added entertainment. Everyone loves Midori's boisterous, if not overly eager personality. It seems only strengthened by the liquor that she guzzles by the glass full. We all readily agree that Midori is the lifeblood to any party...she's just exuberant, overtly so.

I think I even I said as much. I probably did, while speaking with a few of underclassmen, with whom I'd once shared the battle of a lifetime.-

"Midori's truly one of a kind, though I doubt we should allow her to bring another punch bowl." That earned a few laughs, something that eased me a tiny bit. I sipped on my glass again, I recall, the fuzziness getting the better of me as I bitterly retorted my own observation. "Though, I honestly have no idea what that makes me."

"The bump on a log?" Nao asked me with a bored yawn. "Although that's better than to be the stray." She meant Natsuki, surely, and I suppressed my urge to wince. If I'd known when she would call me, I'd be less bothered by her disappearance. Nao saw through my act. "Where's that idiot?" Her voice was dry, and annoyed.

I knew where she was, but, I couldn't tell Nao openly. "Natsuki had a prior engagement." I explained simply, it was the truth. "She wanted to come, truly, but this was a pressing matter."

"I call bull shit." Nao chuckled, as she stretched out, groping around for the glass she had lying on the floor near her. "Natsuki ditched because she hates being forced to sing, and we all know it."

-Why does that ring in my head now? It bit at me last night, hearing Nao say that really got to me. Natsuki has real problems right now. She doesn't need that kind of talk going on behind her back, least of all from Nao, the person Natsuki envies the most in this world. Nao can't see that, or Natsuki's anguish day in and day out, wanting to speak with a person who can't be there for her.

I had to say something…me and my big mouth. Nao can make me lose my good sense, as she did last night. I think, may have said a few things I ought not have.-

"Yes, well be that as it may, Natsuki did have matters to oversee." I paused then, I think, searching for the answer I felt would be the best. "Natsuki's losses are permanent, even if yours were not. You forget so easily what luck you have."

- We all got what we wanted in the end of the battle. Our most important person returned to us, but, that didn't mean Natsuki's mourning would suddenly end…it has only just begun. With the battle over, her rage can finally become grief. She can be normal, and with friends by her side, Natsuki is beginning to allow herself to feel emotion. It also means that she has to learn to deal with it, and that's an uphill climb.

It was a long time coming, but, it doesn't make it any easier for her. I wanted Nao to understand that.-

I could see my retort caused the proper inflicted damage. "Oh, damn." Nao let the cocky smirk fall from her face, taking a deep breath. "Doesn't she know when to quit?"

"Do you?" I shot back coolly.

That was when Mai chimed in, having spent the better part of the last half-hour cleaning the room a little. Midori left trash everywhere, as did a few of the others. "She's at the cliff again, huh?" Mai knew.

There was a look in her eyes as she gathered up the costumes that were strewn about the room. It was aimed at me. If there was anyone on this earth I would trust to look after Natsuki in my steed, it would be Mai. I've always trusted her, I can accept her blindly, and I don't know why. I just have, though, she's never given me any reason not to, either.

I gave a small nod. "Every month." The event causes me to worry, I never say anything about it to Natsuki. "She took flowers." I explained, studying the liquid in my glass. "I know that if she had been in better spirits, she would have come."

"Natsuki's always grumpy." Mai laughed, a lilt of sadness hidden there. "I guess it can't be helped though." She's more chipper than I am, and also more open. "If Natsuki needs us, she'll ask. She knows we will always try to help in any way we can."

_If only it could be. _I'd thought to myself, sipping on my glass of white wine. _Her mother will never be returned to her. _That single most stirring thought brought me to frown. "She envies you, Nao." I pulled my phone out from my purse, glancing at the lit screen.

_No new messages…none at all._

"Hey, it'll all be okay." Mai said then, looking between Nao and I. We were tense, sharing in a contest of wits. "Shizuru, you shouldn't worry." Mai told me, pulling me out of my vexation. "Natsuki will probably turn up later, just like she always does." Having finished making the room presentable, she dusted off her hands. "Why not come back to the dorm with me, you can wait for her there."

-Now that's the point when things turned…there were warning alarms going off in my head, but, I wanted to see Natsuki…I wanted to know she would be alright, and damning myself then and there, I let myself consider the option. At first, I politely declined.-

"It would be an imposition." I said, shaking my head. "I couldn't possibly, I would be a burden. Besides, Natsuki wouldn't appreciate being doted upon like that."

"It wouldn't." Mai returned. "Natsuki won't care that you're a guest of mine, and besides, it wouldn't be good for you to be worrying about her. Not all alone."

"I should return home." I got up to gather my things when Mai's soft hand reached out to grab mine.

"I'd be much more at ease if you waited with me." Mai said, her voice quiet. "You don't have to pretend that you're okay with this." She averted her violet gaze away so that I couldn't see what was plainly written there. I could hear the loneliness in her words. "I know that I'm not…so, why would you be?"

I gulped, hard. "I know Natsuki will return tomorrow morning, if not very late tonight. She will text me as soon as she's safely tucked away in the dorm." That was the routine, and it was what I had grown accustom to. "I have nothing to worry about."

"You have Natsuki." There was frost in her tone. An angry one, and it made me freeze up. Even Nao, who had been far more amused with the carpet lint, looked up from her spot on the floor. "She's enough to worry about."

-I'd gotten the impression that Mai's plate was far too large to handle on her own. Her brother had just returned from rehabilitation, Mikoto clung to her every chance she had, and with Natsuki wandering off so often, I realized, Mai probably felt just as lonely as I did.

Part of me didn't want to follow Mai back to the dormitory, knowing that if I did, I would be inclined to be jovial and in decent spirits, for Mai's sake, even if not for my own. I followed her anyway...clearly, since I'm in someone's bed between the two of them. My, my, this turned into a convoluted mess. Why didn't I just go home?

I hope nobody else walks in...that's right! Oh, Natsuki...I hope I can lay with you like this more often, even if last night was the furthest from my plans.

The university campus offers cramped living spaces, and Natsuki insists on staying in the same room with Mai. She claims that living anyplace else would either be a distraction, or not within her current budget. She's right about that, but, let's be honest here. The only reason she lives with Mai is because she can't live with me...not yet. Natsuki's just not the type of person to settle down so easily. We both know that, and besides, I would be a distraction to her, and not for the right reasons.

It still begs the question...why did I let things get so out of hand last night?-

The room was dark when Mai opened the door to the single room, containing two beds, each with its own brand of ownership. I could tell at a glance that Natsuki's was the rumpled one with the pillow in the center of the bed. She cuddles into things, though, not many people know about that, I suspect Mai does.

We were both quiet for a short time, Mai wordlessly brewing tea while I sat on Natsuki's bed, taking in the controlled mess than Natsuki saw fit to rut in. Half of the sheets were torn off of the bed, while others were tangled in a heap. I sighed, finding a wadded up piece of paper under the pillow…math notes she obviously had fallen asleep while writing. She studies too hard, sometimes. "What am I to do with her?

"Either slap her, or pin her to the nearest wall." Mai said, and for the second time that night, I could feel her frustration was one that we shared. "I haven't figured out which one yet, but when I do, I'll let you know."

I dared to ask her. I lifted my eyes to hers as she stood near me, holding a mug of warmed tea. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm not simply here to wait for Natsuki's arrival?" It was impossible, I couldn't fathom it before, and yet at that moment, I knew what I saw.

Gods help me, if I didn't have a moment of weakness.

"Who." Asking her, it seemed only right, but I could tell by the guilty look on her face.

She gave me a sad smile. "I don't know if I would call it love." Mai began, licking her supple lips as she sat down next to me. "I don't even think I can say that it's anything besides attraction, but it is there, whatever it is." As if she were releasing a breath she'd been holding for a long time, she faced me. "Don't hate me, I didn't want to, trust me." Her voice broke. "It's just…she clicks, you know?"

I knew…if there was anything I knew, it was wanting desperately not to love a person, but yet falling hopelessly in love anyway. "No." I'd said, refusing to admit it. "Mai, you aren't…" Fog drifted into my head. "You aren't gay." I said, almost pleading with myself to come to terms with this. "Chie's gay, Aoi for sure, even Nao's questionable…I go into that category without saying." I swallowed hard, nearly maddened. "You…you can't be."

"I didn't say I was." Mai murmured to me. "It's just that I can really talk with Natsuki." Her voice was calling to me, begging me to hear her out…and it was then I realized, Mai was trapped between her confusion and myself. I was an obstacle who stood in her way. "I can be myself around her. I just seem to laugh more freely, and, I can let my guard down."

"Good Lord." I muttered, rather ineloquently at that. It had to have been a combination of the wine buzzing away in my brain, and the total shock. I don't even know what I was thinking, but, I knew that I wanted to prove that Mai was wrong. "Being with another woman doesn't sicken you?" I prodded, trying to calm my nerves. "It doesn't mortify you at all?" I don't know what got into me, but, I felt as if I had to do something, and all of my usual clarity was stripped away. "Prove it."

-That's how this happened…how I woke up to find myself between the two of them on this midmorning. I caused this…didn't I? Why couldn't I just trust Natsuki? Why did I challenge Mai like that…and…why did she take it? Could she really love Natsuki? Is she going to develop feelings for me? We really did make a mess of things, didn't we?-

"H-how?" Mai asked, her voice still a little shaken.

"You know how." I said softly, yet very firmly as I put my hand on her cheek. "You're indecisive, but that kind of behavior can hurt Natsuki." In retrospect, I'd never chanced the thought that my own actions could do the same. "You've never had any idea of what you've wanted, and now, you tell me that you could feel something for Natsuki." I wanted to protect myself, I think, by proving that it wasn't true. "How can you know such a thing?" I didn't want to admit that anyone else could love her.

Mai grew thoughtful. "I know that we lay awake and talk sometimes." Hearing that struck me hard, even if I knew, logically speaking, that was something roommates did. "I know that she's beautiful, but so reserved." As Mai's cheeks tinged pink, I began to realize, this wasn't a whim. "…I think it started near the end of the carnival. When she was the only one left with me, and I saw her drive away." Mai sighed and shook her head. "The world is so much brighter with her in it."

Awed, I nodded slowly. "You know, Mai, you could be right about that." I'd never really thought of the world as a changing thing, because my eyes were always on Natsuki alone. "You suffered too, didn't you?" I asked, though I knew that we all had, in some form or another. "I took her from you, didn't I?" I knew the answer, and loathe I am to admit it, I was comforted by that.

"It's cold at night, when you're by yourself." She said, as though it was a truth that was plaguing her to this very day. "Even though Natsuki's right there, across the room every single night, she's in a world that I just can't reach." My hand was still on her cheek, and though I wasn't looking at the wetness trailing down across my fingers, I could feel it. "If she notices how I feel, she doesn't say a word."

Natsuki probably didn't suspect a thing, but I did. I could see it so vividly, and the desperation was heartbreaking. I sighed and closed my eyes. "Natsuki hasn't kissed me since that day. Her love is different by nature, she doesn't express it well, but, it is there." I leaned in, just a little. "While it's true that I don't have the capacity to love you, as such a feeling is for Natsuki alone, I think I can offer some measure of warmth."

-I kissed her. I shouldn't have, but I did. May the gods send me to hell in a personally made hand basket for that one…my transgressions didn't end there…in fact, I doubt they have an end now. Mai isn't as confidant as Natsuki, she's not brash, and isn't as quick to anger…though, she startles easily and trusts willingly. I learned that last night, when I pressed my lips to her own, she was hesitant, but she didn't pull away.

Natsuki's womanly personality is well hidden by her aloof nature, but Mai's is right there, out in the open. When I licked her lower lip tenderly begging for entrance, I found myself taking just the slightest joy at the way she leaned into me. Her large breasts pressed into mine, and I remember thinking that Natsuki would never be so submissive. She would allow me to kiss her, if I tried, but, she would never explore the feeling, or melt into my touch without a fight.

Natsuki's too proud to let herself do that...and that's one reason why I love her. She won't bend to my whims, she won't break under my possessive grip, or allow me to take advantage in times she's unwilling.

Mai's different...if I wanted to, I could easily crush her fragile heart, but, I don't fancy breaking delicate things. That's Natsuki's forte, not mine.-

I felt her sigh, her short tresses of hair tickled my knuckles, and I pushed the strands behind her ear. Her lips were welcoming, and she tasted sweet. I leaned forward, guiding her to the bed and breaking the kiss. "Mai." I wanted to feel more of her and yet, at the same time, I felt as if I was sorely betraying Natsuki by doing so. "What do you expect to happen? What outcome could we possibly gain from this?" I asked, knowing that the glaze in her eyes wasn't because she loved me, but, because I was the willing substitute.

"We've never had anything to gain from this." Mai murmured to me. "I can't bring myself to care." She turned her head away, and watched the window. I followed her gaze to the black clouds in the sky. "I'm tired, Shizuru."

-I was too…

It was a bad idea, and it went against everything I'd ever fought for. It dared to question my innermost soul, my fondest desire, and yet, I still kissed her. Still touched her, and in the face of all I'd ever firmly believed, I cast it into damnation. I don't even know why, but, I didn't think deeply about it either. Instead, my fingers slid under the fabric of her shirt.

I made love to her…in Natsuki's bed of all places.

I won't deny it. I won't pretend that I didn't lose myself in another woman. Mai was soft, she was warm, and through all of my guilt, I didn't stop myself. I kissed patterns in forbidden territories and soaked my fingers in her desire…worst of all, I begged of her to do the same to me.-

"This can't happen again." I'd said, licking my lips, her essence lingering on them. "There's no telling what might happen if we did." She nodded into my chest, and I sighed, weaving my fingers through her short strands of hair. I looked over at the clock, and I could feel the prickling sensation in my eyes. "Natsuki, she could have seen that."

"Let her see." Mai told me. "I almost…I almost want her to see."

"I'd much rather that she doesn't." Things would get complicated, and I wanted to keep things as simple as possible, for everyone's sake.

"Let her realize just what she could lose." Mai told me desperately. "Push her into action, make her see."

"See what, Mai?" I returned, trying to keep the pain out of my voice. "Two women who love her, sharing a bed together?" It was dubious at best. "Most people would find that questionably offensive, Natsuki probably wouldn't know what to do." Beyond that, Mai would have to voice her feelings at that point. I wanted to keep that from happening. "This won't solve anything."

-It didn't have too, I knew that deep down. It wasn't as if we could protect ourselves, because at that moment, Natsuki arrived, opening the door. I thought many things, as I saw her open the door. I felt so many fleeting emotions, but none more so than fear. The frown on her face spoke more than all of the yelling she could have done. The silence was raw, and it cut through everything until she spoke.-

"I should have gotten a hotel room." Natsuki's dull voice murmured as she went over to Mai's bed. "One of you text me next time you want to do weird things in the dorm. At least then I'll know to find someplace else to be." She crawled under the covers, a yawn in her voice. "Oh, and Mai, wash the sheets."

We stared, waiting for the hammer to fall. Natsuki's inaction meant the world to us…it spoke of everything we wanted to be, coupled with everything we knew we couldn't reach. I knew she was livid, but it wasn't her anger that worried me...she was hiding herself again, I could tell. "Natsuki?" I asked, and received not even a sound in reply.

"You don't even care, do you?" Mai's voice shook, and absentmindedly, I reached out to pull her back into my embrace.

Natsuki turned to look at us. "Would it really matter, if I did?" Her eyes were so cold, it was her voice that gave her away. It was heated like a fire. Pain slammed into my gut. Mai was right, Natsuki isn't someone who can be reached. She can't be tamed, she's too solitary for that.

"It does, Natsuki." I said, tears were at the edges of her eyes and I wanted to take them all away.

-So I did...and that's how I ended up here, but, I don't regret it.-


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I told you, I would likely come back and flesh more of this out…and this would be that so called fleshing out…I really don't know how many more chapters I'll add, or where this will go…but I knew I really, really, wanted to address Natsuki's side of things.

Focus: Natsuki. We find out what she was doing that fateful night.

* * *

**So I Did: Part Two  
**

-You know, sometimes it's just better not to ask…but, like an idiot, I open my big mouth anyway. That seems to get me into more than enough trouble, a reoccurring problem I have, I guess you could say. I'm just not the type to accept things easily. I never have, and I probably never will…so, unless I have proof of something, I'm not normally one to believe it…though, to be honest, I've been lied to for a good majority of my life, and I've been betrayed plenty of others.

Shizuru says it's only natural for me to want to question every little thing around me…and even though I'm not quite so sure that I should be skeptical of every little thing, I still lean on the side of caution most of the time. I think it is infinitely better to be pleasantly surprised, than to be let down, at least that way, you expect the worst.

Then again, there's some things I don't like sticking my nose into, and that list is rather large, I'll admit. One of the toppers though, is that I don't meddle in another person's life…what they may be thinking, or doing…it just doesn't bother me, as long as they're leaving me alone. That's all I care about…I want my space, so I let them have theirs. That's a fair trade.

from my underwear inexplicably getting eaten by orphans, to the times I've been arrested, peeped on, and tied down, I'm swear to god something always happens.

…Always…

Case in point, I woke up naked…naked in a bed with a woman who I've kind of been dating for the better half of a few months…and that may not be weird…but the fact that my best friend, not to mention roommate was also naked, and in the same bed. That's not normal.

Hell, it doesn't even make any sense…but here I am, locked in the bathroom…because I'm not going back out there…not with them…like that…how does that even happen in the first place?!

Okay, backtracking…yeah, that's a good idea.

Earlier yesterday afternoon, I was feeling a bit tired, and I wanted some time to myself. My head was hurting, and I just really needed some time to think. I figured that I would go take some flowers up to the cliff, it just seemed like the right thing to do…Shizuru wanted to go with me, and I don't mind it sometimes, but I really just needed some peace and quiet to myself.

Besides that…Mai would take things the wrong way if we both ditched that damn group gathering of hers.-

"Someone should go to Mai's party." I'd said as I squeezed a glop of mayo onto the lunch I was making to take with me. "She really puts a lot of effort into them, and it makes her feel like we've moved passed all of the crap from the carnival."

"You should go too, you know." Shizuru said to me, she was worrying again…always with that damn worried look…that's one of the reasons I go up to the cliff. I don't know how to deal with it, or with her. It was easier when we were just friends, but now, I feel like I have to be careful of everything I do and say. It sucks, and it stressed me out…

"I would…if Nao wasn't going." I sighed, zipping up the plastic bag my sandwich was in. "I just don't want to be around her right now." I could feel Shizuru put her arms around me, and I closed my eyes. "I just want some space, that's all." My words made Shizuru's hold tighten, I knew I'd said the wrong thing. I always do.

"Mai would understand, if you told her." Shizuru didn't sound pained, but, she's good at hiding it. "You shouldn't hide it from them…especially not Nao."

"Shizuru…no." I said harshly. "I'm not going to do that to Nao." I shook my head. "I won't take that joy away from her." I wanted to just push out of Shizuru's hold on me, but, I just stood there, letting her hug me. "You wouldn't understand."

"Mai would." I didn't need to agree to that, it went without saying. "You can't just bottle everything up." She and I were in the same boat after all…both without our mother's at an early age. I could really relate to her in that way, and Mai's easy to be friends with, but, that's just not our style…talking about deep things just makes the both of us tense. "Haven't you learned that keeping secrets is never a good idea?"

"I know...but, it's complicated." Oh, I'd learned that alright…but, it didn't mean that I could suddenly just spill my guts the way she hoped I could. "I don't even know how I feel about it." I told her, struggling to find something to say to her. "Nao has something that I can never have again…" I shook my head. "How am I supposed to feel about that?" The HiME carnival left a bitter taste in my mouth, but old memories, those were different. "I don't understand it…why does she get the second chance?" Those were like a poison to me...and, I didn't have a cure for myself, or for Shizuru.

-I'm happy for Nao…

I'm just angry that things played out the way they did. Mikoto finally has her brother in her life. Nao got her mother back. Yukino and Haruka are sort of dating…though, I'd say that's a debatable subject…anyway, the thing is, everyone got their most important person back, and that's nice and all…but it doesn't put all of the foul play to rest…and there's plenty of it.

I lost a lot of things because I was a HiME…and it wasn't just because of our apparent fate…I'd lost things before that…before I even understood just what exactly I was. In the back of my head, I've got to wonder…was it the same for Mai and the others too? Was Takumi's illness another jibe from First District, and we just don't know it? Was Mai's mother's death really an accident? Really? I don't believe that…

Most of my thoughts circle around being paranoid, at least, I hope I'm paranoid…but either way, I can't help it…Nao got lucky…really, really lucky. –

Shizuru probably sensed that I was more bothered about it than I wanted to say, because the next thing I knew, she turned me to face her. I couldn't stop her from kissing me, not that I really tried, not anymore. It always feels weird, but not in a bad way…just different. I'm still getting used to the idea of Shizuru being someone more…well…more.

It was when she slid her thigh in-between my legs that I pulled away with a gasp. I couldn't even look at her after that. I wanted to, but, my mind was jumbled, and she hadn't moved. "I love you." She said, and I knew she was probably trying to get me used to the implications of just how deep her love went.

I couldn't just stand there stupidly after that, so I pulled her into a hug of my own. "Idiot." Even though I was coming to terms with it, with being involved with her….what it would mean for the two of us…I still felt crazy saying the words out loud. I did anyway, for her sake. "I love you too." I sighed quietly, letting my tension drain out of me to prove it…

I didn't dare tell her the truth. I actually wanted her to touch me like that, and, I wanted her to go further, sometimes...but, I was afraid because I wasn't entirely sure what saying that might provoke…Shizuru can be unpredictable at times. "I should go." When things shift into unknown territory like that, it's better to just leave it as it is…

-After that, I said goodbye, grabbed my things, and probably about an hour later, reached the flower shop I liked the best. A lot of people don't know this about me, but I've been to every florist in the greater area. It's just a hobby of mine, kind of pointless, I know…but even so. Even if I am going to toss them off of the side of a cliff, there's just something soothing about picking flowers for that reason alone…I don't really think too much about it.

I don't think about a lot of important things until it's too late...or, I think about them too much...until it's also too late...I really, really, need to work on that.

I'd stayed at the cliff all afternoon, and actually fell asleep on the shoulder of the road…it isn't like anyone really uses that road often, and, when they do, you hear them from a good mile away. I don't know why I stayed so long, I just wanted to. My mind was blissfully empty, and since that happens so rarely, I was thankful for that…but, there was also this depression I couldn't quite explain. If that's what people consider to be mourning, I wouldn't know…

It's just that, whenever I go up there by myself, sometimes I just don't care when I end up going home…sometimes, I'll even spend all night out there, sitting under the stars. In fact, it was really late when I checked the time, and when I decided to head back to the dorm, all of my problems seemed to flood back, tenfold.-

I know that sometimes I'm blind to things, but I'm not completely high off my ass…at least, I don't think I am…reality tends to screw up big time when I walk in to my dorm room and see what I saw. "I should have gotten a hotel room." It was the only thing I could think of to say. Shizuru and Mai…naked…and in my god damned bed. How in the flying fuck does that happen?! I wanted to ask, but I was afraid of the answer. This overwhelming sense of loneliness kicked in, and I just felt numb. "One of you text me next time you want to do weird things in the dorm."

Shizuru was stunned, I could see the panic in her eyes. Mai, she was…well…I don't know…she looked guilty, but, it wasn't as if they were speaking to me. Maybe I really was a worthless person, but, if I had been, you'd think Shizuru would have told me that. She didn't. She hadn't said a word, and that's what hurt the most. No jumping to her feet while throwing apologies, no yelling, no blaming me for hurting her…nothing.

"Oh, and Mai, wash the sheets." I told the person who used to be my best friend. It was sharp, it was vindictive, and it got what I wanted.

"Natsuki?" Shizuru spoke…but, the voice I'd thought would bring comfort, only made me think the worst type of things. I hated myself for trusting her…for even thinking to care about her at all…I wanted her to feel that pain, to know that she caused it…because I knew it would get the point across…and it would do it in such a way that would leave no question about just how hurt I felt…about just how much I cared about her.

I ignored her…rejecting that voice of hers…it was the worst thing I could do to Shizuru, to reject her like that a second time…but this was worse than any scream or pulling away like I did during the carnival…I knew that…and I know, in some ways, I was massively crossing over lines. The worst part of all of this, was that I didn't know who I hated more…myself, or Shizuru.

Mai would be on a warpath, I knew it. "You don't even care, do you?" Shizuru would be crushed so easily if I just didn't move…if I stayed in one spot it would slowly eat away at the woman I loved…the only problem was, it was eating away at me too.

I could hear the covers moving in the other bed, the soft sounds of skin touching skin…I knew Mai would have clocked me by now if she could have…or at least tried to pick a fight…Shizuru was holding her back…Shizuru was stopping her…

That fucking pissed me off.

"Would it really matter, if I did?" I asked heatedly. Gods…I was crying…I knew it…god damn it…I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to care…

"It does, Natsuki." I'd never felt so damn confused in all of my life…Shizuru and Mai exchanged glances…and my heart stopped. I waited for the worst, for them both to say that I wasn't good enough anymore…that I simply wasn't needed…it wouldn't have been the first time I'd heard that…I doubted my childhood would have been the last…but to hear it from them? I didn't know if I could take that…I doubted I could…and I really began to think about that cliff again.

"Stop it." Mai's voice was soft and firm. She was entirely naked, but for some reason that was far less of an intimidation. It was her eyes that had me frozen. "Natsuki Kuga doesn't cry." She told me.

But I was…I was…and I knew it.

"She rants, she raves, and she's quick to anger." Mai murmured softly, pushing me flat on the bed as she leaned in closer. "Our Natsuki doesn't cry." Mai might as well have beaten the unholy crap out of me…it would have floored me less than her kiss, which was enough to knock me into a stupor. My eyes went wide…to her credit, I stopped crying…I was too stunned to do anything anymore.

"What the fuck?" My voice trembled as I broke the kiss, trying and failing in backing away when my head crashed into the wooden headboard. "What the hell is going on around here!?" My eyes flew to Shizuru, but she hadn't moved. She just shook her head at me, indicating that she was clearly not the person to ask. "I don't want to know…" I looked between the two of them. "Do I?"

Mai was the first to show a renewed sense of shame. "I-I don't know…" Her voice cracked, and I rolled my eyes. "It isn't as if I can tell you how I feel." I can hardly deal with my own feelings, let alone Mai's, thankfully, Shizuru came to my rescue. At that moment, it seemed as if jumping out of the nearest window made more sense than anything that had gone on since my arrival.

When Shizuru got up, and got out of bed she at least had the presence of mind to pick up my bathrobe from off the floor and cover her body. It hadn't stopped a fist of need from slamming into my gut though…but then, pain followed. Mai touched her first…that truth, it really got to me. It almost made me want to cry all over again, because as much as I wanted to blame Mai and Shizuru…I knew I couldn't…

I could only blame myself…I'd had chances…plenty of them…and Shizuru had wanted me in that way for gods only knew how long…but I was always the one who backed out…I couldn't blame them for this…I didn't have the right.

"Things happen, Natsuki." Shizuru's voice cut through my mental fog like butter. "You can blame it on the carnival." Well, that was the last thing I wanted to hear…but that wasn't a big shocker. "This is just one of those situations that we'll all need to work out, together." I could see the way that she was stroking Mai's uncovered back, it spoke more than I cared to admit. Something had changed between them, and it had happened only recently.

"What happened?" I asked with a dry, raspy voice. When mention of the carnival reached my ears, all my preconceived notions scattered away. I didn't have any cohesive thought, because on any normal, average day…this wouldn't be happening… I sighed again. Of course this was due to the carnival...everything that made my life hell was due to that god forsaken hellhole of a carnival.

"You made friends, Natsuki. There's nothing wrong with that." Shizuru replied, as if she had been defeated by something. "You built relationships, and unfortunately, this is the risk we take when we do." She shook her head at me when I frowned. "Things just happen, we can't always control them when they do."

It hit me…I finally got it. "Mai…" She was afraid of me…afraid of rejection… "Mai, look at me." I pulled her out of Shizuru's embrace, and I held her face gently in my hands. "When?" I tried to keep the accusation out of my voice, I really did, but it was harsh from the earlier emotions still swimming in my gut.

"I don't know." Mai said to me, and I knew she felt confused, and incredibly petrified of me. "I don't even know how, or why…" I sensed the bitterness. "All I know is that you go over to your bed every night, and I wonder why I can't reach out to you…or touch you." The resentment was so damn clear when she shook her head, and squeezed her eyes shut. "I just want you to turn over and notice me, but you never do…and then, there are nights, you go to her, and I know that you love her even when you don't say it…and then I realized I never even had half a chance in the first place."

Shizuru knew I was tense because she was sitting behind me, trying to keep me calm…a virtue I was losing at a rapid pace. "Why...why didn't you say anything?" I asked Mai.

"I stopped trying to figure it out." She said to me. I tried to hold her, tried to comfort her…but she just pushed me away when I tried. "What's the point of loving someone, when you know they'll never love you back?"

I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't…so I just leaned back with a sigh. I needed Shizuru…I needed clarity, and no matter what I did, this just didn't make any sense. "The two of you are going to be the death of me." I growled softly, yanking Mai into my embrace. She tried to pull away, but this time, I held her firm. "Don't fight me, Mai." I told her when I was almost met with a clenched fist that I easily grabbed. "I'm not Tate, you can't land a swing that easily."

"What do you think you're doing?" My eyes found Shizuru's when I turned to look at her. I could feel her unbuttoning my shirt, and I knew exactly where that would lead if I let her.

"Trust me, Natsuki…stop thinking about it." Shizuru murmured into my ear. "You're not that cruel, and, this isn't something you can fix by thinking so hard on it." She slid her hand into the folds of my shirt, untucking it, and pulling it down my shoulders.

"And doing this will?" I shot back, but at this point, I'd let go of Mai, and she was disrobing Shizuru of the terrycloth that was once covering her form.

"It won't." Shizuru said it me. "Time and acceptance will." She looked over to Mai...I could tell she wasn't happy about it. She wanted me to herself, and yet, she was the one pushing this the most.

This was a hard thing to face down, but, I'd had to swallow the lump in my throat. When I was about to speak, she leaned forward, her lips barely brushing my own. "Don't think." She murmured heatedly.

When her lips finally met mine, I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I was scared, unbearably so, when I squeezed my eyes shut…but it wasn't because of Shizuru. It was because I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't in control. "Don't be afraid to love." She whispered to me.

-I'd always been in control.

I like to have the final say in everything. It makes me feel safe, and I like safe…I also like to keep everything at arm's length, even the people I cared about. In retrospect, I think being unglued from my average life bothered me…and the fact that a relationship with any woman would not only test, but completely obliterate any and all normality, kept me from really expressing myself.

Not that I'm good about doing that anyway…

So, when she kissed me, I wanted to pull away like always. For some reason, I didn't. I stayed, letting her deepen the kiss. I still don't know who it was, but someone was running their fingers through my hair, and I resigned myself to just let it happen.

I promised myself, that no matter what, I could just figure all of this out later. I let them have their way with me…and…I did the same to them...at the time, it was easier than I thought it would be…but, when I woke up, I got scared all over again. I wondered if I could live up to being everything Shizuru needed me to me.

I thought a shower would warm me up and kill off the numbness that was lurking in my mind…so, I did…but, it doesn't solve or end anything...I think, really, it starts everything...I'm not quite sure I'm okay with that...but, I'm not as put off as I'd thought I'd be, either.

What does that mean?-


End file.
